Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
