Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
