You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
