i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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