TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
