ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
