On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
false alarm. still invincible.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
