I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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