i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
