Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
