you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
