so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
