Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
