Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
