I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
