I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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