So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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