He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
