You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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