roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
