He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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