is your mom at the bar?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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