guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize