So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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