omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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