he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
