be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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