Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
