you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
