Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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