Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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