tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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