I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
