Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Randomize
