i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
