i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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