I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
