Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
