she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
