when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
