I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
