He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
