yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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