i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
