Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
