I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
