Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
