so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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