It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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