i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
