i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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