Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
