Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
