yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize