You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
