Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
