Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
