Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Randomize
