I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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