Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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