My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
