He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We just shotgunned beers for America
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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