Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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