My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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