I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
