After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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