Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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