dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
