I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
