there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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