just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
