I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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